I let go. It happened sometime last night between 2 AM (when I went to bed) and 6:30 AM (when I finally went to sleep). I was happily tucked up in bed reading and while I knew it was better for me to turn off the light and sleep, I was aware of wanting to stay awake. I can’t quite name the exact quality of feeling that accompanied that awareness, but it was something akin to recklessness or abandon. I wanted to stay up all night reading and fall asleep just before the sun rose. So, I did. I let go of the worry and the judgment and the thought of what was good for me, and gave in to what I wanted.
I slept till noon. I met a friend for lunch and at one point when he asked how I was I shrugged and replied, “I gave up.” I don’t think this was altogether accurate. It’s not so much that I gave up as I accepted that I will get done what needs to get done when it needs to be done, and probably not before then. It’s not like all my stress and worries magically disappeared, I just didn’t focus much of my attention on them today or feed them too much energy.
It’s now 11:40 PM. After having had a wonderful dinner with a different friend I came home aware of feeling better than I have in a little while. I was trying to name the feeling without much luck. Tender wasn’t quite right. Soft didn’t exactly fit. Open didn’t quite catch it either. Then, as I sat down to start this post, I realized what it is: I am hopeful.
It is as though the absence of all-consuming anxiety, fear, dread and overwhelm allowed space inside me for something else to sneak inside, and when I wasn’t looking, hope crept in. Now, I am almost brimming with hope. And the feeling of it is extraordinary.