Unsurprisingly, I did very little today. I used the excuse of not having heard yet from the HR Department of my new prospective employer, but it was just a convenient excuse. Once again, I chose to ignore the sources of my anxiety than to start dealing with them.
It doesn’t help. At least, not very much. I remain just as anxious and more shameful. True, it had the benefit that I did not do much today that I didn’t want to do, but I am not going to sleep any easier for it tonight or wake up any better for it tomorrow.
I am smiling tonight as though I somehow got away with something today. And, am somewhat ruefully shaking my head at myself as I do. The only person I am hurting is me. The person I am refusing to help is also me.
I know all of this. I also know that I will feel better if I take some action, even if the action is only small. Yet, truth be told, I have no idea what I will manage tomorrow, if I manage anything at all. I know that when push comes to shove, I will do what is necessary. I also know that it will likely take a shove to galvanize me.
I am not, right now, the person who I want to be, and yet, who I am is okay. I think that’s the other reason I’m smiling tonight. Because some part of me knows that all of this is going to be just fine.