I’m allowing myself five minutes to type this post. I feel like I’ll be holding my breath for the duration. Again, I thought about just going with the truth that I need a break from myself for the night and leaving it at that. It’s true that I don’t want to be doing this right now. That I am making myself do this. I’m not sure anymore to what end.
I have a job interview on Tuesday. I’ll be leaving here Monday morning, dropping my dog at a kennel and driving about 6 hours to my destination. The thought of it fills me with dread. It makes my stomach feel like it’s full of cold rocks. It is not what I want to do. I want to curl up and forget the world. This is what I want more than anything.
I will make myself get in my car and drive. I am good at making myself do the things I don’t want to do. I wonder if there will ever come a time when I stop, and if so, whether that will be a good or bad thing. I know how to survive. I know how to stop breathing and steel myself into action. It hurts, but I know how to bear that too. I’m doing it now. Breath held and looking at the time.