I’m terrified that nothing will ever change. That I will never change. I desperately don’t want this to be the best I can hope for, and I’m terrified that this is all there is.
I am afraid to try new things. I’m a dreamer and a coward. I yearn for this big life and yet I stay in my apartment all day reading. So what is it that I really want?
I want my life to feel like an adventure, but I also want to feel safe. I’m not sure I get to have both.
To be loved the way I want, I have to be willing to be vulnerable. To have new experiences, I have to be willing to try something new. I want to stay tucked up all nice and safe inside myself, inside my little cave dwelling, but I can’t really, truly live from here.
So I’m stuck for now. I’m in this god-awful in between, and I don’t know which way to move.