My truths have felt hollow to me these past few nights. It’s like my heart isn’t here. As though it has tucked itself away and taken to slumbering. I want to reach in, wake it, and pull it to the surface, not for the sake of these posts, but so that I can know it again.
There are small moments I cherish in which I feel so awake. I think they are often accompanied by awe. It doesn’t have to be over anything big. Just experiencing the ordinary in a way that isn’t. Like lying on the grass in a park watching a bird walk up a tree. Or staring up into a tree’s canopy and discovering a whole new universe of life. Or the sound and feel of wind pushing past me, but feeling like it’s moving through me. Or just knowing a brief flash of unconditional love to the very depth of me. It is these precious moments that keep me moving forward without a clear destination. With just the sense that there is something more and that I can share in it.
I feel like a shadow of myself without my heart. The truth, as difficult as it is for me to admit, is that while part of me wants it back, there is a part that hopes it will leave me be for a just another day longer. I feel numb in its absence, and I don’t mind the numbness right now. I almost feel like I could slip into the shadow and disappear. And that would be okay with me.