I don’t like myself very much at the moment. I haven’t liked myself most of the day, and I’ve done my best to ignore it. Time slips by me on days like today and I think towards the end of them about all the things I could have done. All the things I wish I had wanted to do. Instead, I watched two movies and reread a couple books. Once again, I’ve done as little as possible while distracting myself from that thought.
The truth is, I don’t know if it would be any different for me someplace else. I keep wondering when I am going to start living. Death ticks another day closer and I feel shamed for not making more of my time. I am not the person I want to be. I wonder what it will take for me to become it. I begin to call myself names like “weak” and “pathetic.” Why does it seem so impossible to break the habits I know to be bad for me? I wonder if it’s because there is some part of me that does not want to break them.
I don’t know how to stop hating who I am. I don’t know how to forgive myself for the mistakes I make or for my shortcomings. I am imperfect, but I am not terrible. This I know to be true. So why will I crawl into bed tonight feeling worthless? I am ashamed of the person I am today. I wish this person would die and be replaced by another. And I don’t know how to stop wising it.