I have eaten and walked my dog today; I am down one accomplishment from yesterday as I remain unshowered.
I’m aware that I feel uneasy about having done nothing else today but read on my couch in between cigarettes, but it’s a distant uneasiness. I can’t quite tell if it’s guilt or shame. I do know that it’s related to the judgments I have about my day and what I think it says about me, not a reflection of how I actually feel about the day I’ve had.
The truth is, I was quite content to do virtually nothing today. I did exactly what I wanted to do, and nothing else (aside from eating and walking my dog). I wish I could have let myself enjoy it more. I wish I didn’t feel like an errant kid. I’m so tired of hating myself. It’s a miserably exhausting thing.
More than anything, I want this self-loathing to stop. I prayed once for fifteen seconds of seeing myself as God sees me. I know my vision when it comes to myself is horribly distorted. I know this. I know I make things so much harder for myself than they need to be. I have so many terrible judgments. So much shame. So much guilt. Such impossible expectations. And it muddles my view. I can’t see myself as I actually am. I don’t. What I see is a reflection of my fears. Or my past. Or the chasm between me and the person I think I’m supposed to be. What I see is a product of my delusions. My neuroses. It’s not real. Yet I believe in it everyday, all day long. I buy into it over and over and over again.
I just want to know what’s real. Who am I, really?
And, is who I am deserving of love? That, I think, is what my prayer was really about.