I woke up around 12:30 today. I have been having difficulty getting to sleep before 3 or 4 AM.
I managed to shower this evening after a friend told me to using the words, “Don’t think. Don’t think. Don’t think.” I fed myself for the first time shortly after. Sadly, I count these as accomplishments.
I feel like shit. I want to bury myself in my bed and sob until I’m empty, but I somehow know the tears won’t come. I don’t like this. I don’t like feeling this way. I don’t like that I can’t seem to avoid coming back to this place.
This is not a life I want to live. It is not a life I am happy to live. This is existing. This is tolerating. This is surviving, and I wish with everything in me that I wasn’t someone who at times could only just survive.
I am angry at myself. I am tired of myself. I wish I could be someone else.
I shuffle my feet forward and then there I am, caught in the downward spin. The truth is, I feel like a victim and I HATE that. I hate myself for allowing it. I think, I am smarter than this, wiser than this. I think, I have done too much work, have cultivated too much awareness to believe that I am helpless. I think everyone would tell me that I have a choice. I can choose to experience my life differently. I can choose to be different. And I hate myself for the weakness of spinning downward again as though I can’t help myself.
I am so confused. I don’t know what to do. I feel caught by something I can’t control and I don’t know whether to fight against it or succumb to it. I am not sure that I can totally do either.
I wish there was someone who could hold me. Maybe then I could cry.