My thoughts have been all over the place today, and it certainly doesn’t help my attempt at coherency that it’s once again late and I am once again coming to the this in a nearing-sleep-state fog.
I was driving to a friend’s house earlier thinking about where I am and where I wish I was. I was thinking about how I often times imagine that life would feel more tolerable, more pleasant–on a whole–if I could somehow have a different perspective of it. Perhaps this is true. I also think it’s possibly true that life is sometimes ugly, difficult and painful. This I know at least to be true for me sometimes. I’ve wanted for so long to make it something other than what it is. I’ve wanted to avoid the misery. I just don’t know that I believe anymore that it’s possible to do so. I am coming to believe that life is all of it, sometimes all at once. It is wretched, awful, boring, joyous and resplendent. True, I tend to have less of the resplendent experiences, but the truth is, I do have them.
Life right now feels damn close to intolerable some of the time. I find myself quite often with the sense that I’m an animal in a cage. A pissed off, mad as hell animal in a cage. Or I feel as though I’m looking around in sheer desperation for somewhere to rest and instead, eyes brimming with tears of utter weariness, I just keep shuffling my feet forward because it seems I have no other choice. And the thing is, like it or not (and I really, really don’t like it much of the time) I find I just have to keep trying because I believe in something. I hope for something.
The truth today is that I deserve better than what I’m currently giving to myself, allowing for myself. And, I’m doing the best I can with where I am, for now. It’s the best and worst of me. It’s all alive sitting right here on my couch at 12:48 AM. It’s not pretty and yet somehow, it’s breathtaking. I am stronger and braver than I credit myself. I am fighting for something. I can’t tell you right now exactly what it is. It might be magic. It might be life. It might just be me.