My nights keep getting longer. It’s 1:39 AM as I’m typing this now. Not as late as a couple nights ago when I posted after 2 AM, but that night I had forgotten and gone to bed. Tonight I have not yet made my way there. I am aware, vaguely, that I am doing a terrible job of taking of care of myself.
I made it to the grocery store today. This was my feat. The truth is, I am okay and I am also weary of only ever seeming to be okay. I know that happiness is supposedly not the-end-all-be-all, but I would still very much like to know more of it in my life. I would like very much to have more life in my life.
I am falling right now. That is how it feels. I’m tumbling, turning, head-over-feet down into some great chasm. I am doing the best I can and I know that it is not good enough. My eyes are bleary right now from their desire to sleep and yet I know that I will deprive them for another hour as I continue to turn the pages of the latest novel I’m reading. It is my second today.
I don’t like myself very much in this moment. I feel like I’m failing. The truth is probably that I am doing well enough; I am alive, after all. And, that doesn’t seem like enough to me anymore.