I wish I had someone to hold me tonight until I fell asleep. It would be nice to be able to borrow someone else’s strength for a moment. It would be nice to close my eyes and know that I didn’t have to do it all on my own. And that’s just not the way it is for me right now.
I’m stressed out about money, about finding a job, about the possibility of moving and the chance that I won’t be moving anytime soon. I keep looking for something to make me feel better, and so far I haven’t really found anything that works. The three servings of ice cream I had today didn’t work. Neither did the two cigarettes or the four movies. Nor did the hours of job searching or the couple applications I managed to get out.
I’m ripe with anxiety and it’s making me so uncomfortable that I find myself just wanting to flee. I want to go to someone else’s home. Hole up in someone else’s life. I want to forget about my own for a while.
I feel weak and pathetic. I feel like I’m not handling any of this as well as I could be. And the truth is, I’m not. I’m scared and that isn’t going away. No amount of ice cream or cigarettes or movies can make a dent in the anxiety I’m carrying. Sometimes I wish I was someone who had an iron clad faith in a God of any type. Somewhere that I could turn to for comfort that was real, tangible and always available to me. I wish that I had some kind of faith in myself.
The truth is, despite how I’m feeling tonight, I am going to be okay. I am going to keep breathing, keep putting one foot in front of the other, and eventually something will work out. Eventually I will start a new job and I will make for myself a home. It will happen. How am I going to choose to be in the meantime?