I have a terrible internet connection at the moment and I’m a little anxious about whether or not it’s even going to let me complete this post. I say that because this is going to be rushed.

I have driven all over the state in the past six days. I’ve now been on three job interviews. I was basically offered the third job on the spot. I was told to go check out a nearby town, think about whether or not it was an area I would want to relocate to, and contact the Program Director next week with my decision. It is not where I had been imagining myself this whole time. I never seriously considered the possibility of living in the desert. With my Alaskan Malamute.

The town was surprisingly nice given the other parts of the desert I had been in at that point. And of all the places I interviewed, the third was the only one I had a really good feeling about.

So what’s making me hesitate? Fear. Worry. Anxiety. The fact that in all the time I have spent fantasizing myself in my new life I pictured big trees. Hell, I pictured trees. I imagined myself somewhere beautiful. I feel like the desert is a special kind of pretty; the kind that only its mother would truly consider a beauty.

I don’t know how to make this decision. In all likelihood I will spend the next several days talking it to death with everyone I can think to call. I’ll scroll through my contacts list and call people at random till they answer, and then I’ll repeat the same list of pros and cons that I did with the seven people I’d spoken to already. I’ll wait for someone to make the decision for me, and no one will. I might even cry a little. I’ve already smoked.

The truth is, I’ll never know for sure what the right decision is in this case. I’ll do what I feel is right and hope to hell that I’m not making an enormous mistake I’ll regret in 3-6 months. Either when I’m still looking for a job or when I’m standing in dust with my bald malamute.

I want someone else to live my life for me so there is someone else to blame when things go wrong. I don’t want the responsibility of my choices. If this is what growing up is, I don’t like it.