I don’t want to write a post tonight. I don’t want to open myself up again; flay my body across this screen so someone or no one can see straight down to the center of me. There’s something about it that feels sad to me tonight.
I made a deal with myself when I started this blog that I would post a Truth every night for a year. That means writing something even when I’d very much rather not. Aside from staying alive, it might be the only form of discipline I have right now.
I know that my stories are only stories. I know that for the most part, the Truths that I list are not absolute. They are moments in time. They are passing. They are a certain hue through which I’m seeing my life on a particular day. They are illusory. Yet, at the time that I am experiencing them, they are real to me.
I know that I make life harder than it has to be. And, life is hard. Both these things are true. I’m too tired, too heavy from the feelings of yesterday to think too much about this tonight. But I think perhaps my hope ought to be to find the balance that exists somewhere between those truths. I don’t want to create unnecessary suffering for myself as I know I do. Nor do I want to be dishonest about the suffering that is just there, waiting for me to meet it.