I am afraid that in my quietest moments, I become insignificant.
I am afraid that if the world isn’t feeling my movement, it will cease to be aware of me, and I will stop existing.
I am afraid of being invisible.
I have been thinking tonight about the trip I am embarking on tomorrow. I went on a similar trip last year, and it was literally life changing. I am wondering how disappointed I will be if this year it’s just pleasant and relaxing.
I tend to like powerful, explosive, transformative moments in time. I know in those moments that I am alive and that what I am doing matters. The time in between matters in so much as it is building toward the next powerful, explosive, transformative moment.
It is never entirely okay to just be.
I am thinking about all of this tonight as I am preparing to go. Part of me wants to continue exploding, hoping to be reborn one more time. Part of me just wants a nice, quiet trip.
I have said more than once that this is my life, but it something I continue to realize. This is my life. Whatever this may be. I am already in it. I am already living it. There is no where else to go. Nothing that I have yet to earn. Nothing to prove.
Quiet feels like it would be nice.