I am troubled.
I can’t have what I want in the way that I want it. The option for that just does not exist right now, and that sucks. I am mad at the universe at least a little bit tonight.
It does not mean that I can’t necessarily have what I want, although I don’t know if that is possible either. It depends, in part, on how much of a risk I am willing to take. It depends, as much, on things entirely beyond my control. That sucks too.
I am a bit heart broken at the moment. I am also aware though, that whatever I choose, and whatever happens as a result of that choice, there is a lot to feel good about here, and a lot to celebrate. It is not all suffering. It is also joy, and love, and the beauty of being human beings in relationship with one another, each doing the best we can with what we have and where we are.
I am ready. I am not sure I really trusted this until tonight. Until I watched myself go through something difficult and discomforting. Until I watched how I responded in it, and saw the places where I was honest, the places I asked for my needs to be met, the places where I communicated uncomfortable things, and the places where I was graceful and kind. I am ready to be an active participate in my life. I am ready to be in intimate relationships with others. I am ready to sit in the mess of it all, knowing I can handle what happens there. I am ready to open up more, to share more, to be vulnerable more. I am ready to trust myself to live well.
Realizing this, I’m also not so troubled anymore. It still sucks. And, I’m okay.