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God, I so don’t want to be trying to write this truth right now. There is only one place I really want to be, and it’s where I was up until about 45 minutes ago. My body feels ruined in the aftermath of coming together and then breaking apart. I want desperately to go back, and yet, I am holding myself here.

I feel like there is a war raging beneath my skin between the responsible and irresponsible parts of myself. Between my desire and my need to have some semblance of control. There is a part of me that wants to throw all caution to the wind and indulge. There is another part of me that knows I would be scared if given unrestricted access to my desire right now. Partly, what made it so natural for me to let go as much as I did, was the boundaries I had laid down around myself. I set myself free by knowing how to keep myself safe.

I am feeling the ground beneath my feet. I am breathing a little more deeply. I felt drunk 15 minutes ago, and now I am calming back down. My limbs are still shaky.

This is a crazy fucking ride. I am grateful to be on it. Grateful that I can trust myself to ride it, even as I do battle with myself. I am fully present. I am all in. This is a new experience for me, and I really, really like it. I like me in it. I am living my practice. It is confusing as hell. And it is wonderful.