I keep dreaming of a life that makes me smile to think about, and then I come home, eat some ice cream, watch some Roswell and wonder if anything will ever really change for me.

I keep having these fantasies, and I’m not sure if they’re about me and the life I really want for myself or about sticking it to certain people I feel hurt by.

I keep imagining getting the hell out of here and I don’t know how much of it is moving toward something and how much of it is running away from something.

The truth is, I want to get even. When I feel hurt by someone or wronged by someone, I daydream scenarios in which I emotionally regain the upper hand and it makes me happy. I’m sure it has to do with power and feeling like I have more of it. I’m less clear on how it plays out.

I don’t want to be a mean, vindictive person who ends up alone because I can’t tolerate the humanity of others’. And, tonight, I just don’t care to think about it anymore than I already have.