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I am having so much fun.

I have been feeling a bit crazed the past few days. I am acting without too much analyzing. I am letting myself feel good and do what feels good. It seems out of control, probably because it is. I don’t know when I decided that was a bad thing: to be out of control. Life is out of control. Control is an illusion that I work my ass off to try to maintain, and that I do, suddenly seems a tad absurd.

I have me. I can trust me. I can live and not have to try to control the outcome or the process. This is hard and scary for me. Life is scary for me. There seem to be so many ways for it to go wrong. Very badly wrong. But, if I spend all of my time and energy trying to manage my life to contain it or protect me, I don’t think I’m really living it anymore.

I am living. That’s the truth of what this is, of what the past couple weeks have been. I have stepped into life. I am no longer trying to take myself out of it or hold myself back from it. I am all in.