I will get 4 hours and 20 minutes of sleep before my alarm goes off if I fall asleep right now. I say that only to be transparent about my motivation to get this post typed quickly.
I made a hurtful comment earlier this evening to someone close to me for no reason. My comment, in hindsight, made absolutely no sense and served no purpose. I was not being intentionally malicious. At the time, I was being flip. But, as soon as the words were out, I wanted them back. They were too close to a highly sensitive and contentious subject for anyone to be totally comfortable in their vicinity. I also knew that I had wounded this person with my words and I felt like a jackass for it. Rather than apologize, I pretended it didn’t happen and tried in other ways to smooth things over.
I really, really don’t like being imperfect. It makes me incredibly uncomfortable when I fuck up. The truth behind my flip remark tonight was that I had been feeling anger and resentment toward this person for a while; feelings I was pretending didn’t exist because among other things, I was too afraid to express them (or to even fully accept that I was experiencing them in the first place). And, because I wanted this person to continue to like me. It turns out that beneath the anger and resentment was grief over something I felt I had lost–something I hadn’t even acknowledged was gone until I started trying to put words to my feelings later this night.
The truth is, I don’t like being human because I don’t like feeling uncomfortable. It’s simple and ludicrous.
Something inside me moved into a new place tonight and I do feel better for it. I will likely have some grieving to do, but I also feel like the space around me has widened a bit more. My heart feels a little softer. It’s not that I’m ungrateful. I think I’m even aware somewhere on the periphery that there is beauty in being imperfectly human. It’s just that right now what matters to me more is how fucking uncomfortable it felt and how desperately I’d like to avoid feeling that again. I can almost guarantee that despite knowing better, I will still put a ton of effort and energy into trying to not be imperfect. That I will fail at it, I can absolutely guarantee.