I don’t know how to write about today. Certainly not sitting here at the end of it, drained and shaky from exhaustion. It was a monumental day. It was a life changing day. By noon, I had broken down twice in the most exquisite, heart wrenchingly beautiful way. I let myself be held in something for the first time ever. I let people in. I knew suddenly that I was worthy of that much.
It was not my fault. I was not to blame. For fifteen years I have been carrying guilt and shame that was never mine to begin with. I have not allowed myself to heal because I did not believe I deserved to. I thought I should be punished. I believed I deserved to suffer. I believed a lie, all this time.
There is so much more to say here, and I can’t say it tonight. I need sleep. I need rest. I want, before I crawl into bed, to have a moment of savoring the joy of sitting with my complete self. I am whole again. I have no more words.