I’ve had this page open for an hour while I did just about anything else I could think of online. Meanwhile, I’ve grown sleepier and sleepier. I am very unhappy that I have to set an alarm in the morning for a termite inspector. My plan is to open the door in my pjs and go straight back to bed as soon as he leaves.
I am avoiding this post, and I don’t know why.
It was a good day.
I got all of my work done. I had dinner with a new friend. I realized that I’ve lead a far more adventuresome life than I usually think of it as being. I felt gratitude for the move I made in coming here and doing this job, despite how hard it’s been.
I reflected on how I’ve changed these past several months. I have gotten stronger in myself. I am okay in a new way. As hard as it’s been, it’s been kind of wonderful too.
I was imagining where I might go from here, and was imagining the possibilities as limitless. I felt hope, and it made my heart swell, made my grin widen.
I don’t want to write about it tonight. Somehow, words seem to trivialize it, this experience I’ve been having. I don’t want to share about it yet because I don’t want to have to try and define it yet. In doing so, I will inevitably leave parts of it out. I don’t want to lose one little bit of it, or forget. This time I’ve had feels precious. My hope for myself even more so.
The truth is, the good feels tenuous right now. Like it could easily slip away from me. And it does, sometimes. But more and more, it is coming back to me too. I lose it for a day and then find it again. Or, it is there always, underneath the other stuff that makes it nearly impossible to see, and I am getting better at looking for it.
It feels tenuous, but I suspect it isn’t really.