There’s something about this situation with my new and old landlords and my security deposit that is so triggering for me. I didn’t even realize I was being triggered until about 12 minutes ago. Up until then, I knew I felt crazy. I knew my anxiety was out of proportion to the situation. I knew I wanted to talk about it and talk about it until someone said something or gave me a solution that resolved all of it for me. I knew I couldn’t let it go no matter how many times I tried.
It helped to realize that I’m having an irrational response to this for a good reason, even if I don’t know what the reason is. I suspect it has something to do with power and feeling powerless. Or, feeling helpless to prevent someone from doing something bad to me. It’s a shitty feeling and one I desperately wanted to rid myself of today. So desperately, in fact, I actually considered moving all my stuff into storage and finding a couch to crash on until I can find a new place. That is how badly I wanted out of the space I was (am) experiencing. That was how afraid I was (am).
I panicked today. I went into fight or flight. I was either getting a lawyer or moving out. It was all driven by fear.
I have been a victim before. I am not a victim now. And, I don’t always truly know that in the moment I am in. Or the day.
I am stronger than I think I am. I am a better ally than I realize. I don’t have to fight or flee. I can stay. I can breathe. I can practice letting go. I can tolerate the discomfort unless I can’t. I can make choices based on what is best for me instead of old (but no less real) fears. I am trustworthy. I am okay.
I am feeding these people a power they do not possess without my complicity. I would like to stop doing that. And, I don’t know that I can just yet.