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I just want to feel better.

I am an over achiever. The funny thing is, I think most people in my life assume this to be fairly obvious. I, however, tend to think of myself as unmotivated, lazy and a bit of a slacker. My perception of myself in this regard is probably pretty skewed.

I am forcing myself to do this job perfectly. It’s not okay for any one part of it to falter. I am running myself ragged and scared. As though the world will end if I’m not one of the best employees they’ve ever had.

I want to feel better, but I’ve been unwilling to give anything up. Like my stellar, way over achieving job performance. I imagine there is a lot of room to maneuver between stellar and good enough, but I am afraid to let even one small thing slip. As though a “write up,” if I ever even got one, could literally destroy me.

I’m living my life like I’m still in high school trying to get into a top 5 university. Like I still have something to prove. Like who I am depends on how other people judge my performance. I am trapped in my high school AP mentality in which I believe I have to be one of the very best and am simultaneously convinced my deep, dark secret is I actually suck at everything but fooling people into believing I don’t suck.

I am making myself more miserable than I need to be.