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I am a romantic.

I want great love.

I went to the beach yesterday. Then I drove up to Ojai for a late lunch in the mountains. It was beautiful.

On the way home, I stopped for a pedicure and a haircut. I did no work yesterday or today.

I got out the pastels for the first time since I moved today. I sat out on my back patio, listening to music, and sunning myself while also covering myself in chalk. I drew. Then I sat and told myself repeatedly to relax.

I meditated later. Then I watched a sappy movie. Now, I’m wondering if all of this isn’t just a con I’m running on myself, to try to convince myself it doesn’t hurt to be alone, when all I’ve ever really wanted is a great love.

I want to be dazzled and to be dazzling. I want to come alive with someone else’s touch.  I want to fight, and make love, and know god by looking into another’s eyes. I want to melt and be carried away. Then I want to come back to myself and know that I am home. I want to rest safely beside someone. I want a lifetime made with the person who knows me best.

I am a total sap.

And, I’m scared I’m going to stay a lonely one.