I am a romantic.
I want great love.
I went to the beach yesterday. Then I drove up to Ojai for a late lunch in the mountains. It was beautiful.
On the way home, I stopped for a pedicure and a haircut. I did no work yesterday or today.
I got out the pastels for the first time since I moved today. I sat out on my back patio, listening to music, and sunning myself while also covering myself in chalk. I drew. Then I sat and told myself repeatedly to relax.
I meditated later. Then I watched a sappy movie. Now, I’m wondering if all of this isn’t just a con I’m running on myself, to try to convince myself it doesn’t hurt to be alone, when all I’ve ever really wanted is a great love.
I want to be dazzled and to be dazzling. I want to come alive with someone else’s touch. I want to fight, and make love, and know god by looking into another’s eyes. I want to melt and be carried away. Then I want to come back to myself and know that I am home. I want to rest safely beside someone. I want a lifetime made with the person who knows me best.
I am a total sap.
And, I’m scared I’m going to stay a lonely one.