I talked a lot today. I had a lot of thoughts, and a lot of feelings. I shared some of them pretty openly and honestly (though I don’t think inappropriately or destructively). I got some of my needs met. I feel better than I have in a few days (though I didn’t stop working until after midnight and am about to drop where I sit). But, I’m also experiencing a whole lot of shame.
I want to go back and apologize to a few people I interacted with today; the few who I shared openly with about me and where I am right now. I want to take it back. I want to pretend that I am someone else. Someone who doesn’t make them roll their eyes (my projection), shake their heads (my projection), sigh deeply as soon as I walk away (my projection), or calculate how much longer they are willing to continue putting up with me in minutes (my projection).
I want to make a commitment to myself.
I avoid commitment. I straddle lines for as long as possible, lest I choose poorly, miss out on something better, or get it wrong. I prefer to leave myself an out. I prefer to still have a choice. Over two and a half years ago, I realized at some point I was going to have to choose life over death. I still haven’t chosen. I am still leaving my options open.
So, it’s unsettling to think about making a commitment, even to myself. Yet, I don’t think it helps me to waffle so much about who I am and what matters to me. I think I need to start deeply accepting some things, grieving the loss of other things, and committing to a path.
I don’t know yet what the commitment is exactly that I want to make, or how I’m going to do it. I imagine it involving a ritual of some kind. Even as I’m still waffling a little, I’m aware of not wanting to live in so much back and forth anymore. It’s exhausting. In doing it, I perpetuate uncertainty, and I hate uncertainty. Some suffering is unavoidable, and some I create (which is probably also unavoidable). I don’t want to keep adding quite so much to the latter pile.
Besides, I think I deserve at least this much. I deserve, at the very least, to always be on my own side.