I went to bed last night debating whether or not to check out of the uncomfortably disgusting (and I mean bugs and broken shower disgusting) motel room my work was paying for, and check into a nicer place at my own cost. One side of my brain was saying, “Suck it up. Don’t spend money you don’t have to spend. Just deal with it.” The other side was busy showing me pictures and sending me feelings of what it’d be like to be pampered and nurtured for a night.

I woke up this morning and knew almost immediately that I wanted to practice being worth spending money on. I wanted to practice giving myself something nice without guilt. So, I booked a room at a 4-star hotel in town (that in all fairness was cheaper than all of the 3-star rooms). I was nice to the desk clerk at the gross motel when I checked out early and asked if it’d be possible to reimburse my work the cost of the room (due to bugs and a broken shower). At lunch, I called my office manager to let her know to expect the refund, and she offered to pay for my new room.

At 5 PM, I walked into my 4-star room that work was now covering and decided to take a bath before ordering room service. Only, there was no hot water. I placed a call and was told they were aware of the problem and working on it. I decided to watch TV while I waited, only the TV didn’t work. I called again (uncomfortably feeling like a bit of a pest) and they sent up an engineer who needed a tool kit to get it working. The hotel bought me dinner.

I put on my pjs and decided to do this post early so I can get to bed. I feel like I haven’t slept in days. Only the wi-fi doesn’t seem to work on my computer. One phone call and a walk down to the lobby later, they set me up in the business center and are going to buy me breakfast in my room (which actually costs about $22, surprisingly).

I feel like there’s a lesson in all of this that I can’t quite tease out. Yes, I have to keep asking for things, but I also keep getting exactly what I ask for and more. It’s weird.

If I wasn’t so tired, I might be able to make a connection between the events of this odd day/night and believing I am worthy. Although, truth be told, I’m not sure how much I actually truly believe, and how much I am faking it. I almost didn’t check out of that motel room this morning. It would have been easy to convince myself to stay. I think that’s what I’ve spent most of my life doing. All this time, I’ve been talking myself into staying in the bug-infested motel room. Telling myself that I have no choice, or that my pleasure isn’t worth the price.

I’m not entirely sure how to apply this metaphor, or consider this lesson. It scares the crap out of me to even consider what it might mean to “upgrade” my life. I have a lot to unlearn when it comes to making choices reflective of my own sense of worth. I have a lot of bad habits to break, a lot of bad assumptions to recognize and then discredit. It would seem that what follows a remarkable realization is a whole hell of a lot of work. I am daunted by it.