I was an unpleasant person today. I got more resentful as the day went on. By the time I was driving home from the grocery store at almost 10 PM, I was furious. I wanted to destroy something. I wasn’t sure who or what I was so angry with, but by then it didn’t really matter. My anger had combined with an enormous amount of self-pity to lead my mind to some wondrous places. Such as trying to figure out how many days it would likely take for the world to notice I was dead, were I to die soon.
For whatever reason, when I’m in that kind of place, what I end up destroying is me. Self-destruction is an obvious enough term, but I can’t say I ever really considered it in its most literal sense until I was driving home tonight. I realized first that I wanted desperately to destroy something. Then, I linked that with the fact that for the past 3 hours, I had been plotting food. It started back at the office when I was trying to decide if I could hit the cupcake store to get 6 cupcakes for the price of 3 before they closed. Then it became fast food restaurants I could stop at on the way back from the doctor’s office. Then Trader Joe’s. Then fast food. Then Albertson’s. Then fast food. And finally Albertson’s. I almost cried when the pharmacy took so long that Trader Joe’s closed. I’m like an addict plotting her next score.
In some ways, it’s not as bad as it could be. But it’s still me hurting me when I’m really mad at the rest of the fucking world. I mean, I don’t know who I was mad at today exactly, but I pretty much hated everyone and everything. I was included in that, sure, but I wasn’t singled out. So why was I the only one I was willing to hurt?
I’m still way too tired and way too sick for this.