I’m in a terrible mood. I’ve been watching it with varying levels of detachment for the past few hours. I thought about meditating and decided against it; I think in some strange way I didn’t want to do anything that might actually be “good” for me. Instead, I sat out on my couch and web-surfed, failing to distract from my rising irritability. Really, I have just been killing time till I could justifiably walk my dog for the night and climb into bed. I need sleep. I am once again incredibly tired.
I hate being in a bad mood. Does everyone experience bad moods that are absurd in their extremeness? I somehow manage to go from irritable to “I wish I was dead” in less time than it takes to pee. I don’t quite know how or why that happens. Yet I also seem to relish being in a bad mood. Like I want to light some candles and take a bath in it. Rather than meditate or go for a walk, I eat food that will inevitably make me hate myself five pounds more than I did an hour ago. And watch TV episodes that are so bad it takes me three hours to get through thirty minutes because I keep hitting pause, opening a new browser window, and trying to find something–dear God, anything–to occupy me that’s more entertaining than the worse-than-Dawson’s-Creek TV show I’m abusing myself with. Why?
In the end, my whole being is just noxious. I want to weep in despair or scream in rage or sleep to escape it all. What I don’t want anymore is to experience me. Not now. Not ever.
There’s this tiny part of my mind that hasn’t gone completely insane, that’s watched this all play out and, wonders…WTF? Whatever emotional and mental anguish I’ve put myself through over the past several hours (not to mention the extra weight I’ll be carrying tomorrow, thanks) is like a bad drunk that gets slept off and then forgotten the next day. It was entirely unnecessary. Yet I also couldn’t seem to stop it, curb it, or slow it down. Once that ball got rolling…(and what the hell pushed it down the hill anyway?)
The truth is, I probably just need a good night’s sleep. So, why did I torture myself in the meantime?