Driving to work this morning I was trying to convince myself to think of all this–my nearly impossible job, my ant-infested house in my meth-producing town, my aloneness in the midst of a weekly grind, the godforsaken desert–as an adventure. A year-long adventure. I was trying so hard this morning to make it all a bit more palatable. To get myself to swallow it a little easier, put up less of a fuss, and hope that doing so made the time pass more quickly.
The truth is, I want to blink my eyes and have the next year of my life over with.
Is that really an acceptable way to live?
I’ve been sitting at this computer for the past 30 minutes trying to avoid writing this truth as much as I have been trying to write it. I even got out the vacuum cleaner at one point. I am a terrible housekeeper, but suddenly I couldn’t stand the fur on the carpet in this spare bedroom for one minute longer.
I don’t have any answers tonight, and I am sick to death of the questions that seem to ceaselessly rattle around inside me.
I don’t know how much sacrifice is necessary. I don’t know where the balance is between responsibility and enjoyment. I don’t know if it gets any better than this. I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know.
I know I wouldn’t mind throwing this computer through the window in front of me right now.
I am a question going round and round and round. There is no answer to me.
It makes me feel insane sometimes and yet, I just can’t seem to help myself. Round with the question. Round with the question. And round and round and round.
I will never have the answers, as I don’t believe such a thing exists. (Yes, even as I seek them I know them to be as mythical as unicorns or Big Foot.)
Maybe someday, I’ll be okay enough with having my answers. Maybe I’ll trust myself that much. All I need to do is decide what’s right or best for me. Decide how I want to live, and what I choose my life to be like. Right now, I don’t much trust myself. I don’t have a lot of faith in me. It makes it hard for me to feel okay deciding anything. So, round and round and round I go. It’s safer that way. For now.