I was driving home tonight a little awed by how okay I really am.
I’m not quite sure how it happened. I’m not even sure I can accurately define what is different. I only know that I am different.
I am more alone today than I was a year ago, but I’m not losing myself to it like I was a year ago. I’m not falling to pieces because of it.
I am not in love with the work I’m doing, and find everyday to be long and challenging, but it doesn’t make me miserable in the way it did with the last job I had (which was actually less long and less challenging).
I’m less fractured than I was. I don’t feel broken in the way I used to. I feel like I can tolerate more. As though I have expanded the capacity of what I can hold, and how many different things I can hold, at any one time. I am stronger. I am more capable.
My life is not necessarily better, but I am better in my life.
I am becoming me a little more each day. When I am aware of it, it feels exquisite. I am rarely actually aware of it. Mostly, I still feel very lost and confused and scared. I’m just a little better able to be lost and confused and scared without it wrecking me.
I am happier when I believe in possibility. When I can see how life might really be some grand adventure leading me someplace glorious. It’s not how I think of life most days. I am happier in the moments, like tonight, when I can see how life might be that for me.