Sadness doesn’t seem to break me anymore. Neither does loneliness.
I started sobbing tonight as I was standing in my kitchen. It was quite unexpected. I was in there doing some small chore that I can’t remember and all of a sudden, I was bent over sobbing and it felt like my heart was breaking.
I was aware then, as I am now, of how alone I am in my life these days. I really don’t have anyone. It didn’t help me stop crying, but it didn’t seem to prolong it either. Nor did I obsess over it after. For right now, I am very much alone. It’s hard. I don’t particularly enjoy it, and it’s just how it is for now. I’m not convinced it’ll stay like this forever.
I saw a commercial today for a jewelry store in which a man proposed, and I wondered what it would have been like to have a “normal” life. To have graduated from college, started a career, gotten married, and maybe begun a family. A part of me thinks it might have been nice. A part of me regrets what I never had.
Time feels like an enemy sometimes. Sometimes I wish I had figured things out sooner, if I had to figure them out at all. I feel too old to know as little as I do. To have as little.
I hope that it’ll be worth it. That I will be worth it. But truth be told, I don’t think I could have lived my life any other way. Regardless of how it turns out.