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I made a spontaneous decision to go back to the office this evening, after an off-site work appointment from which I could have gone home, to check-in on a co-worker and friend. We ended up going to dinner. It was lovely to spend time with her.

I got home just over an hour ago. I sat on my cushion for a little while and then laid in my living room listening to music before getting ready for bed.

I am content.

I’ve done a little research the past few weeks trying to locate a shaman near me. My wish was to visit with a spiritually embodied person and have them heal me. The fantasy was a bit more involved than that, but it’s essentially what it boiled down to. They retrieve a lost part of my soul, or guide me in a journey to another realm, and in a matter of hours, I am free to be me. No more struggling, no more doubt, confusion or shame; I am suddenly cut loose of all of it, and totally free to be mesmerized by me and awed by the world around me (which, of course, I now see in technicolor).

I want the easy way. I want the quick route. I don’t particularly want to have to continue doing the work.

And, I’m a little bit more okay today with what I suspect is the truth: there is no easy way. There is no quick route. This is my life as I choose to live it, and every moment shapes me.

And, I suspect I am already free. I just haven’t realized it yet.