This whole truth-telling experiment is starting to feel a little ridiculous to me. Or maybe, more truthfully, I’m finding it irritating and frustrating. Actually, to be more honest, it’s me who I am finding irritating and frustrating. I keep circling round and round the same things. I don’t quite know if I’m really moving at all or if I’m just treading the same ruts in the same loops over and over again. I guess I’m wishing that something would change. That I would change or my experience of myself and my life would change.
I suppose to be fair, it has changed, but maybe just not to the degree I wish it would.
I judge myself too harshly. I know this. I have been given this feedback ad nauseum.
Even here, I judge myself. I question why I am still doing an experiment that seems to be leading me no where. But first, I tell myself I am going nowhere, that I have gone nowhere. I am ashamed that I can’t write anything more variable and still have it be true. I am ashamed that the tone and tenor of this post is so similar to so many I have written in the past 223 days.
And, I keep coming back here night after night in the hope that some day, I can find myself here. In the midst of all these words, in the midst of these posts that no one ever reads, I might come to see myself in wonder and love.