I can’t do this alone. Not my job, and not my inner process. I had the job realization last Monday; both that I had gotten myself in a position and a mindset of feeling like I had to muster through it alone, and coming to see that I can’t, and don’t actually have to. I had the life realization yesterday. I can’t change my relationship to myself on my own. I can’t do my own work in a vacuum. I need other people.
My therapist and a mentor of mine both tried explaining this to me over the course of last year. I didn’t get it then. I honestly believed they were wrong. I am coming to understand how they were right.
To know myself, I need to relate to others. I can’t just sit in my house, stare at a wall, and effectively move through my work. I get stuck. A dear friend of mine pointed this out to me last spring. I heard him then, trusted him, and sought a community of people who could hold space for me to be with myself differently. It’s what ultimately lead me here.
Here, to this new place, where I was trying to do the old thing and found that it wasn’t working. Again.
I can’t do this alone. I hope when I’m ready, I’ll find that I don’t have to.