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I miss intimacy. I miss being held. I miss sharing space and time with friends who knew me well, who saw me, loved me and occasionally, held my hand. I miss really long hugs. The very ones that used to make me so uncomfortable.

I was acutely aware today of just how much I missed all of this.

I cried earlier with a dear friend on the phone. It was wonderful to have the conversation we did, and I so would have preferred to be sitting beside him.

Later I sat across a table from a new person as we got to know each other better. It was nice to have some contact, and I was very aware of it not being exactly the kind of contact I wanted. It lacked the comfort and familiarity, the depth of intimacy I am craving.

It’s uncomfortable to know what I want and to not be able to get it.