I want to be less afraid.
I am afraid of myself. I’m not entirely sure why. I’m not certain when it started. I don’t know how important understanding the cause or the start of it is.
I am afraid to be with myself. Afraid to sit with myself. Afraid to be quiet, undistracted, and hold space for whatever I might happen to find. I am afraid to know what is really, truly there inside me. I’m afraid of what I might discover.
I don’t want to spend my life afraid.
I don’t want to avoid what’s true. I don’t want to run from it. I don’t want to run from me anymore.
And, I don’t know how to stop running.
All of a sudden, the words of every post I have written up till now seem like noise. They seem like part of a mask.
I don’t know my truth because I haven’t allowed myself to see it yet. Even as I believed myself to be seeking it, I have been trying to avoid it.
The funny thing is, I honestly think my truth will end up being a marvelous discovery. I think if I do ever have the courage to face it, I will be awed by it. This does not stop me being terrified of it. Every time I try to sit down, I’m griped with this primal fear, like an animal caught in the moment of fight or flight.
I really, really hope I just keep sitting down.