I wish I had been born prettier than I am. I wish I had been born with a thinner body type. I even wish I had been born with a different personality structure, one not prone to addiction, depression and rumination.
I wasn’t. And that has proven to be an impossible thing for me to accept in my 34 years of life.
I had this moment earlier tonight sitting on my meditation cushion in which I desperately wanted to distract myself with something–a hope or fantasy–and then I thought, what would happen if I just stopped? If I just stopped distracting myself from myself and instead, sat here with me. With whatever and whoever I am in this moment. My reaction was near terror. I said a little prayer for courage and even then, only managed to stay seated for another few minutes.
I have spent most of my life up till now wanting to be someone else. It’s so sad because for all that time, I’ve been missing out on experiencing so much of me.
I am a deeply thinking, deeply feeling person. I am not an easy person or a free spirited person. I am not someone who can go through a day without thinking about it too much. I make things harder than they need to be, and I also have this amazing trove of insight to draw from. I have so much to offer because of who I am.
Someday, I’m going to know this. Someday, sitting with myself is going to be a simple act of kindness and love.
In the meantime, I’m going to continue doing the best I can. It’s all I can do.