I realized today that I have never before had a job quite like this one. Aside from all the steep learning curves intrinsic to the job itself, just having this type of job comes with its own learning curve for me. It is hard, and the fact of it being hard, makes it harder for me. I have a whole lot of growing to do. A whole lot of learning about myself, balancing, and letting go. To survive in it, I have to find a way to allow whatever I do to be good enough. I have to find a way to let the rest of it go.
And I am not good at letting things go.
It occurs to me that I never allowed for the possibility of discovering that I am not the right person for this job, or that it is not the right job for me. I was hell bent on the fact of it working, whatever the cost. I think because I assumed anything else to be failure. Here’s the truth though. I don’t know yet whether or not this is a job I can do well. I don’t know yet whether or not this is a job I can be happy doing. I don’t know yet. I get to try my best, and I get to find out–whatever the outcome. I need to rethink my definition of failing.
I think somewhere in my personal universe a pressure valve just released.