I don’t know why I insist on lying to myself. I knew last night when I typed my post exactly how my day today would go. I hoped it might go differently. I hoped something might shift in the way I woke up, the way I spent my morning, that would make my day different from yesterday. It was exactly the same. As I knew it would be.
I don’t feel particularly great about myself right now. In two days I didn’t accomplish anything. I have a mess of dirty dishes in the kitchen. I didn’t walk my dog once. I didn’t shower and put on real clothes all weekend. I went back and forth between my bed and my couch with a book always in my hand.
I did not do any of the work that I wanted to, any of the work that was going to help me feel a bit better walking into my office in the morning. I ignored the world around me instead. I sank just a little bit. It’s not a pleasant feeling. Yet, it’s what I wanted to do. I wanted to do nothing. Maybe if I had been able to be honest about it, I wouldn’t have felt so damn guilty the entire time.
Here’s the truth, I don’t like my Monday-Fridays. Right now, it’s hard. It’s overwhelming and anxiety producing. I don’t know what I’m doing, and in the midst of it, I feel like I’m flailing just to stay afloat. And, it doesn’t feel like I’m really managing to keep my head above water.
I don’t know if this is the reason I checked out for two days. Truthfully, checking out for two days isn’t so bad. I’m afraid, however, of it being an enduring pattern. I don’t want this to be what my life looks like. I want more for myself. I want to be happy. I want to like who I am. I want to feel good about myself, and I don’t right now in this moment. It feels as though everything has changed and that in some ways, nothing really has.
I know I’m making too much of this. I’m scared, and my fear is threatening to take me down a hole I don’t want to revisit. Is it a lie to tell myself tonight that it’ll all be okay? If it is, is it okay for me to hang onto it anyway for the comfort it gives me? For the way it helps me breathe again?