It’s amazing how fast time can go when you want it to move slowly.
I have work to do tomorrow that I didn’t get started today. I have laundry and dishes and vacuuming. I should probably make a trip to the grocery store, but I’d be surprised if that happens.
I didn’t do much of anything today. It was kind of wonderful and kind of lonely.
Time moves more quickly when I spend my day escaping time rather than being a part of it.
I spent my day trying to find a fantasy comfortable enough to hold me for a while. Because my actual life leaves me wanting. I know it won’t help me get where I want to be to hole up in my house and daydream. I know there is a better way to spend what time I have. That if I didn’t want to leave my house and participate in the world today, I could have at the very least sat with myself for a while. But I didn’t want to have to tolerate the disappointment or the loneliness. I wanted to dream of someone, of something, anything to fill the empty space inside me that was making me uncomfortable.
It’s silly and dumb. It doesn’t work. It won’t move me any closer to where I want to be. Yet, I can’t seem to stop myself from doing it anyway.
I’m ashamed of myself right now. It is making me want to disappear.
I feel a bit like a fraud. I sit and write my truth every night before bed, after spending a day trying to avoid the truth.
Today I tried to dream myself not alone. It worked and it didn’t work. I wonder what I’ll try tomorrow.