I need to do some serious work around accepting and loving my body, exactly as it is.
In the split second it took me to lay down the above comma, I actually thought, “I might be able to if I could just lose 5 pounds.”
I realized as I was indulging in another fantasy this morning that my fantasies always start off with me being thinner, and therefore hotter, than I currently am. I wondered at the time if it would be possible for me to have a fantasy in which I look exactly as I do right now. The truth is, I don’t know if I can even imagine someone being attracted me to me as I am now. Even just imagine it. I think that’s sad.
The truth is, I’m maybe somewhere between 10-15 pounds overweight depending on how you determine “overweight”. I’m not fat, but fat is how I see myself. Fat is how I’ve always seen myself. I’m so tired of caring about something so arbitrary. What matters most to me is the kind of person I am–the kind of worker, friend, sister, daughter, aunt, potential partner that I am. I would love to think of myself as beautiful, sexy, and worthy of love no matter what I look like on the outside. I would love to carry that inside me. My heart is so much more important to me than my stomach. But, god, my stomach seems to dominate.
The truth is, looks-wise, I’m pretty and not particularly remarkable. I’m not gorgeous. I’ve always wished I were, and I’m never going to be. I think I look better when I’m thinner. I think it makes me a little closer to beautiful. A little further away from average. I’m never going to be the person who turns heads when I walk into a room by my looks alone. And, I’ve always wanted to be that woman. It’s stupid and superficial and I feel like an idiot for doing a whole post about this, but it’s mattered to me. It still matters to me.
I know my vision of myself is distorted. I see the chubby girl from junior high when I look in the mirror, no matter that I’m two decades removed from her. I wonder what it would be like to see myself through a stranger’s eyes. I wonder what that person would see. I wonder how different it would be from what I see.