I’m sitting on a covered toilet in the bathroom of a hotel room at 1:40 AM typing this. I had been in bed for a while, nearing sleep, when I suddenly remembered. I’m in the bathroom so as not to wake my sister, brother-in-law and nephew who are all asleep in the bed next to mine.
I go really quiet around my family sometimes. I don’t know if it’s that I get insecure, if I get overwhelmed, or if I just opt for the backseat, but it makes me uncomfortable. I am aware of wishing I was livelier than I am. I feel a need to be “on,” and am aware of feeling like a disappointment or a bummer if I am anything else. Tonight I was mostly quiet.
I want it to be okay to be wherever I am in whatever circumstance I am in. I don’t want to feel badly about myself for not being how I think I should, no matter who I am with.
I adore my family. I have so much fun with my siblings. They are loud, inappropriate and hilarious. I don’t know how my quietness is interpreted, but I don’t think it means that I am wilted. I guess I am a little afraid of what meaning others might attach to it. Or that if I am not entertaining enough, I’ll be loved less. Funny is very important in my family. Introversion is a little less understood and accepted.
I am an introvert. I also love to talk, to make people laugh and to laugh with them. I am more than any one thing, and I’m not always sure why sometimes it’s easy for me to participate and other times I hang back. I want to be comfortable enough with myself to be okay being either way, at any time and in any company. I want to be okay just being me, knowing that my experience of myself shifts and changes day-to-day and sometimes, moment-to-moment.
Tonight I just felt awkward. I felt uncomfortable in my skin. I really hate that feeling.