I am nearing delirium from lack of sleep. It’s 10:47 PM and I have been up since 2:15 AM.
I made the most unexpected phone call tonight to an ex of mine, and we talked for over an hour. That, and the fact that my hotel room is on top of the pool, which until 15 minutes ago was filled with 400 screaming children from the sounds of it, is why I am still conscious.
I have so much shame. It is nearly an instinctual reaction for me to feel ashamed of myself. This is what I most want to change. If I can change anything in my relationship to myself, I want to give myself the freedom to have and own my experiences, the ways I feel in them and about them, and the choices I make (even the ones I make in failing to choose). I want to be allowed to be me. Without feeling the need to immediately apologize for it.
I am not depressed anymore. This is an AMAZING thing. When I said those exact words 20 minutes ago, I instantly wanted to apologize. For having been depressed in the first place. For coming out of my depression on my own. I wanted to say “I’m sorry” for one of the most incredible and defining experiences of my life thus far.
Let me state now, loudly and boldly, I AM NOT SORRY. Not for one more second will I feel badly about this remarkable thing I have done in changing the way I relate to myself. I will not give others credit for it either. I did it. Me. And it is wonderful. I am allowed to recognize it and feel great about it. I am even allowed to recognize and feel great about me.
Truthfully, I just got hit with a heavy wave of shame. I can’t even write positive self-esteem as a hypothetical without feeling ashamed. It’s ridiculous, and I don’t want it anymore.