I have more firsts waiting for me tomorrow, and I am anxious, wishing I could push them off just a little while longer. I want time to get comfortable. Instead, I feel like I just keep stumbling forward.
I have felt sick to my stomach for the past hour. Unsure of what to do with myself. I stood for a couple minutes with my forehead pressed against the sliding glass door in the kitchen. Frozen by my uncertainty.
I am also feeling guilty because I wasn’t paying particular good attention earlier today, and I let something slide that I am now wishing I hadn’t. I am worrying about the potential consequences of this.
And, I am aware of other guilt. Of shame. Of discomfort. It feels as though lately I’m spending a great deal of time hanging out on my edges. It doesn’t always feel bad to be there; it doesn’t always feel good either.
I would like to seek comfort somewhere. Tonight, I will try to find it in dreams. It’s 9:01 PM and I am about to turn off my light and curl beneath the covers.