This sucks sometimes. Growing, learning, being human, living. It all sucks sometimes. It can be painful and messy. It can be terribly sad and disappointing. It can get so confused and confusing that for a moment it’s impossible to know what is real. At least, it can for me.
I don’t want to write a truth tonight. I don’t want to have to try and put words to the roiling mess inside me. I am all kinds of things right now. I think mostly, I’m disheartened.
I feel like I say this a lot, but god, I wish it all came more easily to me. I feel so lost sometimes, like I’m fumbling in the dark just trying not fuck things up too badly. And everything feels like a fight. Not between me and other people, or me and the world at large, but between some part of me and another part of me. One side saying it is okay to need what I need, want what I want, and feel what I do. Another side saying that I over complicate things, make things mean more than they do, and that I ask too much of others.
I think all I can do is keep trying. Keep breathing, keep living, and keep trying. Maybe it will get easier someday. Maybe it only comes with practice. I am not without hope, but what I need tonight, more than anything else, is comfort. I just can’t seem to give that to myself. My mind is shouting too loudly its list of all the things that are wrong with me.
I want to take responsibility for my life. I want to take responsibility for my choices. I want to lose sometimes without having to lose myself as well. I want to keep growing, to keep learning, to keep being human and to keep living. I want to trust that I will discover myself in the process. That if I just keep moving along the path I am on, I will open up. I will find myself waiting, and I will love what I see. This is what moves me along. This is why my feet keep finding the ground and keep shuffling forward. Even in the dark.