I was a bit all over the place today emotionally. For a large part of the day I was pretty unfocused, unable to pay good attention to the task at hand. For a brief moment I felt like throwing up. I jumped up and down in my office for a minute trying to shake out the tension. I felt myself soften for a little while and become less guarded. Later I cried for a couple minutes, sad but good tears. Even later I had an impromptu and small dance party in my living room. I was aware of feeling lighter, freer, and more in contact with my heart. I sat quietly even later, just watching my breath. Then I felt myself about fit to burst with love.
Now, I’m tired.
[Oh, and I have a critter living in my attic. I heard its little feet on the ceiling tonight as it scampered somewhere. At least, I hope it’s feet are little. Fucking awesome.]
Sometimes I think I’m totally nuts. And, maybe I am. But I’m not sure there’s anything wrong with that.
To be totally honest, I felt shame today about who I am. I felt insecure. I wasn’t convinced it was okay to be me just having the experiences I was having. I wasn’t sure my truth was valid or good enough.
And, to tell a little more of the truth, I felt proud today of who I am. I liked myself. I felt good about the work I have been doing and where it’s lead me.
I’m not sure what made the difference as to when I felt what. I’m not sure it matters. I’m human. I think it’s okay that I experience all of it.