I cried today. I haven’t had a really good cry since before I moved. It’s good that it happened. I needed it to happen. I just wish it hadn’t happened during the middle of my work day. Thankfully, I have an office door that locks. Though it was probably the full body shakes and the rocking that would have been more off-putting for one of my new colleagues to witness, not so much the tears.
I am happy I am here. It is where I need to be. I know that fully. I believe that with everything in me. I am exactly where I need to be. I am moving forward with my life. I am becoming more of me. I am not sorry that I left my old life for this one, yet there are things from it I miss. People I miss. And, I miss being known.
Ironically, the same day I tapped into my grief, I received my first social invitations from my first potential friends. I actually have Friday AND Saturday night plans now. I am making a new life. It feels good. And, it’s sad for me to let the old one go.
I still wish things had gone differently for me there. It’s hard to accept that they didn’t. I learned so much about myself. I grew tremendously. I came to the place that propelled me to leave. It was a place of strength and hope. Lots and lots of hope. And, I think, of faith in myself. Which is something I didn’t even know I had at the time. I must have though, to have chosen what I did. To have arrived at this place I am in now. This wonderful, glorious, unknown place that despite its barrenness, still feels ripe to me with possibilities. Because I am ripe. I am carrying all the possibilities of the world within myself. I am excited to see what comes from them.