I nanny-cammed the new dog-walker today. The video feed is playing in the background as I type this post. So far, so good. They are out for their walk. It’s probably ridiculous that I would nanny-cam the dog-walker, but (shrug), this woman was a total stranger before yesterday and I’m not sure spending an hour with her makes her less of one. Now she has a key to my house. I’m entrusting her with my home and one of the things I love most in this world. And, I don’t trust easily.
I also bought pepper spray on my way home from work.
Today was not a particularly good day. It was long and felt tedious. Still, as I was driving home, as I was walking my dog, as I was later talking to my mom, cooking dinner, and sitting down to eat, I was aware of happy I was. I was really happy.
I did the right thing coming here. I feel that so strongly. I have no idea how my life will play out here. No idea if I’ll ever get to go on a date or if I’ll make friends. I have no idea if I will love my job or hate my job (I’m guessing both). And I’m pretty sure the gigantic spider I killed in my garage tonight was a brown recluse. But, coming here was good. It was exactly what I needed to do.
I don’t think it’s about the house or the town or the job or the social activities. I think what all of this comes back to is just me. It’s about me becoming more of who I am. It’s about me growing in my capacity to love myself, support myself, and be with myself joyfully. I am getting stronger. I am learning more about what I am capable of. I am coming to know myself better. This is what I wanted more than anything else.
Whatever happens or doesn’t happen next life-wise, just isn’t so important. I am with me. I am with me, and I am happy.
I think the world may have just turned upside down.