As I was loading this page, I felt like I could breathe for the first time today.
I don’t know why I do this every night other than it being habit for me. I’m not sure what purpose it serves, or if there really is any. But tonight, it felt a bit like coming home.
This is a part of me. It is something I do for myself and no one else. This space belongs only to me. Or so it seems for now. Tonight it feels like I am remembering some bigger part of myself that I lost sight of in the chaos of this move. I am this person too.
I laughed today at a suggestion a colleague harmlessly made about something that might be fun to do. I laughed and imagined some of my older friends laughing with me. I smiled, looked at her, and amid my laughter said, “You don’t know me at all.” Her suggestion didn’t fit with me. At least not with the me as I have defined myself these past few years. Tonight, as I was brushing my teeth to get ready for bed, I thought of this and wondered why I am so intent on keeping myself in the box I’ve made for me. Why can’t I be me and also be someone new here?
The truth is, I resist change. I like the idea of discovery, and yet I also like knowing where everything already fits. Maybe I ought to expand a little. I don’t think I know myself nearly as well as I like to think I do. The me I hold onto is old. It is past. It is a collection of stories I have cobbled together and ascribed specific meaning to. Maybe it’s time to let go. Maybe it’s time to find out who I can be.