As I was scrolling down my website just now to get to the bottom of the screen where the log-in is, I saw the titles of my past few posts and my immediate impulse was to burst out laughing. They seem so damn “positive.”
I am anxious about the week ahead of me. I tried to be as present as possible today. When I noticed myself shaking my foot up and down, or became aware of the pit growing in my stomach, I tried to breathe and relax into my day. Demanding presence does not seem to work so well.
I am intimidated by my job. I am scared of the amount of failing I have ahead of me before I actually get to know–at least to some small degree–what it is that I am doing. I am overwhelmed by the sheer volume of work, and the truth is, I don’t even have that much of it right now. It is a fraction (probably less than 1/20th) of what I will eventually be doing. I’m a little freaked out by it all.
I have no idea what I’m doing. Part of me wants to run from this. Part of me is excited by the fact that I get to learn. Mostly, I’m scared because I’m not entirely convinced that it’s something I can do. I feel as though I am riding right now on the fact that someone else believes I can. Or they wouldn’t have hired me. I am riding on the fact that others have done it before me. I am not the first to walk in green. But the truth is, I don’t totally believe in myself. Yet. I have hope, but I have fear too.
I wish weekends were longer.